Reflection: Freedom of Not Being in Control

By Angela Tai

For the majority of my life, I’ve been somewhat of a planner. Not necessarily around the minutiae of daily tasks but in the sense that I need to have a blueprint for my career trajectory (and the worst case scenarios) 1-3 years out at a time. In a thriving economy, I was already mapping out contingency plans in the event of a recession.   

For example, when my startup grew, I was adamant about not investing in an office space and being locked into a multi-year Manhattan lease. For one, in this digital age, I believe companies will/should be more lenient on where work gets done. Also, as a small business owner, I didn’t think pouring precious resources into real estate just because we had a couple of good years was a wise move. 

Life, as I saw it, was about abandoning self aspirations in exchange for making prudent decisions. But no matter how much I tried to mitigate unforeseen risks, new challenges inevitably arise.

This hit home on a personal level with the advent of the Coronavirus outbreak.  

I had put together my “2020 to-do-list” and one of the items on the list was “think about family planning.” Something that fell in the “aspirations” bucket since I got married due to my busy schedule. 

This February, my husband and I had, for the first time, seriously contemplated on starting a family. Both type A, career-driven Manhattanites, we’ve worked tirelessly to get to a comfortable place that finally allowed us to take a pause to think about adding a plus one. Being in our mid to late thirties (and pragmatists), we lined up doctor appointments to make sure we prepared our bodies to be in the best condition possible. Two weeks later, the COVID-19 news broke and our world (collectively) turned upside down. What we thought was the perfect timing was no longer. 

While we haven’t fully adapted to the “new normal” of what was unfathomable just a month ago, we’re coping with it like everyone else. What I’ve learned from the global pandemic is that no matter how much we want to be in charge of our lives, curve balls will be thrown our way, often when it’s least expected. 

The future is uncertain (especially during crisis), but this time, not being in control feels okay to me. While I no longer have the ability to predict how my 2020-2021 plan will go, I treasure the journey of getting there with the people I have in my life.