Interview: Kai Mata, ​Indonesian singer songwriter, LGBTQ+ Advocate 

By Angela Tai

Can you talk about your inspiration for So Hard?

So Hard was brought into the world after a double date with another same sex couple, my partner-at-the-time and I were sharing our experiences about male acquaintances we have.  When some men have seen me together with my partner, they’ve thought of it as an invitation to inject themselves into my bedroom, through asking questions regarding our romantic activities, our sexual history, whether or not we’ve individually or jointly had sexual experiences with men, among a slew of other prying statements and comments that seem to solely center around the “sex” aspect of my sexual orientation. “So Hard” came about as my answer to all the intrusive comments about my sexual orientation that typically mean no harm, yet have felt quite demeaning—like the love between two women are reduced solely to how titillating it may be to the male gaze.  “So Hard” is my lighthearted attempt inviting respect throuh humor, rather than forcefully demanding people be less covertly homophobic.  Being haphazardly thrown invitations for threesomes may seem like support to the initiator, though to me, it has felt like my existence has been fetishized and objectified.  I wanted my song to encapsulate this experience in a way I thought would be received well by most people, and hence I leaned on humor.  

What are the top 3 misconceptions straight people have about the LGBTQIA+ community?

Firstly, backhanded compliments in which aren’t overtly homophobic, yet covertly show a perception that those in the LGBTQIA+ Community are less than straight counterparts. Because I have some traits considered more feminine features (such as ridiculously long hair), I have been complimented by being told, “You don’t look gay, in a good way!”  I think the stereotypes of what “gay” or LBGTQIA+ people look like, just like any stereotype, reduce individual complexities into a cookie cutter image.  We are beautifully nuanced people, just like every community on the planet.  

Secondly, I’m often asked who is the “man” in my relationship.  For the record within a relationship between two women, there is no man.  My partner is a woman, and I am a woman as well.  What I have extrapolated is the actual deeper meaning by the question is “who is the more dominant person in charge, which is stereotypically the male counterpart in heterosexual couplings?”  What I find refreshing about a same-sex partnership is any preconceived ideas of the roles we’re meant to hold don’t exist.  Instead, we are given the space to play to our individual strengths and weaknesses.  I’m more than happy to do the laundry.  She doesn’t let me touch anything in the kitchen.  We both fight to be the one to drive.  We naturally take turns being both big and little spoon, dependent on the time. 

Third: I am often told that I can be cured in Indonesia — cured through conversion therapy or killed — it’s quite common to be discriminated against in my country.  I hate to break it to the abundance of folks who think my love is a disease, but the love I have cannot be cured, stifled, or overshadowed by hate, threats, or discriminatory laws.  

What was it like when you came out to your family?

My parents are not only accepting of me, but they have always accepted my love and my partner, who has been integrated into our family.  That’s a rarity of a statement, and thus I am very privileged (even though this should just be the norm).  

Have you faced any criticism since you started your music platform and activism?

Definitely, it is almost ubiquitous with my existence. I’m grateful to have an international audience as well as a local one full of support in Indonesia. This is, however juxtaposed by the power of the internet, claiming that I’m dragging Indonesia down to the ground and a stain on the fabric of our existence. It’s heavy to feel such weights of hatred being spewed at me. My photos & messages were actually passed between very violent right-wing groups—known for hacking into peoples’ personal data. I went viral on Twitter in February and this country also has laws that criminalize text & audio-related content tied to same-sex relations.  It’s a scary time, as my home country strips away more and more rights, seeming to travel backwards rather than towards more equality and respect.

What keeps you doing what you're doing?

I could easily live somewhere else that’s much more open-minded, but I choose to live in Indonesia and speak out as my family has faced persecution as recently as just two decades ago, specifically targeting my ethnic group that’s historically ostracized and harmed.  Indonesia once tried to remove those of my ethnic background through genocide and forced “assimilation”; now, Indonesia is doing that with the LGBTQIA+ Community through dicsriminatory laws and the cultural imposition that we are diseased. I am not here to just survive and live; I’m here to thrive. Lots of people in the LGBTQIA+ community are afraid to be who they are here.  I have a voice, and a lot more of an ability to utilize that voice than many people do, and a mission to make clear that within all my diversity, I am Indonesian.  This is what Indonesians can look like too.  And no one can strip away any of my wonderfully diverse identities.

What do you want your audience to get out of your song lyrics?

The reason I cling onto songwriting is because it’s a way for me to release my emotions. Emotions are difficult because they’re palpable and they’re hard to escape; we have to continuously reflect on who we are as a person and those actions will help us be who we want to be tomorrow. 

Do you feel hopeful about the future? 

Hopeful is quite a positive word; that’s a hard question. At the moment, I do not feel hopeful; I feel more scared. We are in a very desolate place, and we are close to the bottom of the barrell. There's hope that we can walk in a direction with tenacity to enact change. Those who want change are remaining silent out of fear; there’s an intensely ingrained culture of resistance to change.  People are scared of what they don’t know, and they’re scared of what they’re not used to. It takes someone ‘coming out’ to humanize the LGBTQIA+ Community and to put a face and pulse in front of one’s sexual orientation. It’s a catch-22 situation; the only way not to be demonized is to have more people ‘coming out,’ but people are afraid of “coming out” due to the harsh sentiment. It’s a beautiful country, I choose to live here; Indonesia has beautiful cultural values that, unfortunately, have been washed away over time.  So I am not hopeful now, but must carry hope for the work we’re doing today that will perhaps build a more compassionate tomorrow.